Who’s sexy now?


Dear Apple:

I love you. Seriously. I loooooooove you. I have drunk the Kool-Aid, forsaken all others, suffered through the application of an elaborate tribal tattoo on that little spot just above my crack. If you were an actual person, not only would I never forget your birthday and always bring you chicken soup in times of illness, I would probably also upon occasion drive around your house when you weren’t there just to feel close to you.

So why you do me this way?

I know, I know, I used to run around on you with that bad, bad man. Not all the time, just for email and contacts. But I’m with you now. I abandoned my Palm for you. I started syncing to my eentsy-weentsy nano, even though I can barely make out those addresses in -4 font size. It wasn’t a bad workaround, all things considered.

Still, a girl needs to feel connected. She needs to talk. And what do you do when I feel this need to express myself, to feel safe and connected? You proffer…the Rockr. The Rockr!!! 20+ years of bold, innovative thinking and the best you can muster is a half-assed music player cobbled onto a phone so ugly, it offends my ToastROven.

Good god, you’re Apple! Apple, man! A design leader! A tech visionary! Creator of iTunes, the user-friendly UI and the hottest displays on the planet! And you’re letting that behemoth Blackberry and that buggy-ass Treo horn in on your action? Get real, dude! No, I’m not seeing either of them…yet. I’m just dicking around with a Razr for now. He’s not everything I want, but he can take care of my basic needs and, let’s face it, I’m not ashamed to pull him out of my purse.

Look, I don’t want to break up with you, but it’s clear right now that we need some time apart. Who knows? Maybe this’ll be kind of a wake-up call. Maybe once you see me juggling my Razr and nano and odd scraps of paper, trying to get by as best I can, you’ll step up to the plate and be the brand leader I’ve come to know and love.

In the meantime, take care of yourself. I know the whole content upsell thing is fresh and new, but it can be a trap, too. You have one major asset over all your competitors, Mr. Hotty-Mc-Hot, and it ain’t your price points.

Okay. I’m getting bitter now and I promised myself I wouldn’t. I’ll see you soon…white and silver and gleaming, vibrating with an iTunes ringtone, like a dream I dreamt but forgot.




Photo by Brian Eric Ford via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license

One comment

  1. Okay, so I saw an ad for the new Gateway laptop with the swivel display. HELLO! Shouldn’t Apple have come up with that and absolutely NAILED SHUT THE COFFIN in the dreams of all other “others” out there?

    Wow. That is SO something “my Apple” would’ve/should’ve come up with.

    Agreed to the whole handheld issue as well.

    You’d think the company that laid out the lovely Newton 15 years ago could do better, wouldn’t ya?

    Amen to all points made. Here’s to hopin’ they hear ya!

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