Color me open source

Dear Microsoft:

Go fuck yourself.

Seriously: go take a long walk off a short pier. Better yet, how about taking a running leap off a rocky cliff into a huge, gaping void and on the way down, shoving whatever loose, dangling appendage happens to be handy up your greedy, corporate ass? Because really, you should feel as much pain on the way to your ultimate demise as you do when you reach the terminus.

Whither this rancor? I’ll tell you, dickheads.

I’ve been using Microsoft products since 1996, when I grudgingly dumped the superior WordPerfect upon rejoining corporate America buying a LEGAL copy of your product each time to use at home.

I have refused to put illegal copies of Office on other people’s computers, even though I question how much you people play by the rules when it comes to corporate ‘fairness.”

I’ve continued to support Microsoft even as your buggy templates and bloated programs ate away at my hard drive and terminally crippled my data.

I’ve even defended you to the Microsoft haters, that ever-growing contingent of the righteously indignant, because of the remarkably almost-perfect mail client, Entourage.

But today, I couldn’t launch Word to work on a document.

I couldn’t launch Word because I had my almost-perfect mail client open on my 12″ PowerBook, which sits two feet from my PowerMac G5 desktop, which I use, HOLD THE PRESSES, HERE, in tandem.

That’s right: I have the audacity to want to have my mail client open on one networked computer as I work on a Word document on the other, which is, apparently, a violation of my license agreement, a practice which makes me the electronic equivalent of crackheads who slit throats for a fix or bearded, gold-earringed, parrot-toting seamen of old who say “Yarrrr!” a lot.

So you know what I’m going to do when I get out of this work hole I’m in right now?

I’m finally going to download that copy of Open Office I’ve been meaning to check out.

I’m finally going to move my email into Mail.

I’m finally going to switch all of my non-essential work documents to text, like the hardcore geeks do.

And then I’m done with your tired, mistrustful, greedy, no-support-giving, distrustful, disrespectful assholes.

Yes, the corporate world will continue to use your shitty output and yes, I’ll probably have to keep using it, too, at least for the time being. I do PowerPoint presentations, yes. I’m forced to deal with Word and Excel and the rest of your buggy, shitty, unsupported-for-mac output.

But I promise you this: for every time I actually use one of your products, I will tell two people not to. I will turn them onto open source and Mac-based alternatives. And yeah, my blog only gets 150 unique visitors per day (now) and yeah, I only know a couple of thousand people anyway (now), but you know what? I’m one of those mavens old Malcolm Gladwell‘s been yakking about.

And besides, even though my own hit count isn’t great, it’s still better than your products. And something tells me I’m not alone in my dissatisfaction with the Microsoft ethos. I have a feeling if I tag the hell out of this post, and if I tag it with enough popular (yet salient) search terms, and if I link the shit out of everything in the body of the post, it might just get picked up. It might just go wide on the interweb. And who knows, maybe my insignificant flash of anger will be the tipping point (thanks again, Mr. Gladwell) that pushes you off that cliff, following crappy Suitcase and crappy Quark and all the other greedy, distrusting, software leviathans that are surely (oh, sweet baby jesus, let it be true) in freefall right now.

Because it’s time to put customers first again.

Because it’s time to put corporate greed behind us.

But mostly, because you and the majority of your products suck some serious ass.

Oh, yeah…one more thing:


No image courtesy of the evil empire’s stringent copyright enforcement.


  1. Damn right!

    don’t sell yourself short on the “only 150 unique visitors per day” either… most of the people who discovered you via the other blog rockstars who’ve linked to you did so via RSS, and I bet many of us read you almost exclusively in something like bloglines… I only came directly to this post to post a comment.

    As ZZ Top said, you’re bad, you’re nationwide.

  2. Sounds like somebody had a tough day ;)

    Let us know how OpenOffice goes for you – I use it quite frequently on my work PC, but I’m enough of a Mac-snob to turn down a non-native solution there…

    BTW: The hardcore geeks don’t only use text – they write Textile or MarkDown. But you knew that anyways – I’m just showing off my red cape of geekdom. (Long story ;)

  3. I’ve simmered down a bit, but I’m still really cheesed off at those dickheads. It is absolutely out-fucking-rageous that I cannot use my own software on my own, personal machines at the same time.

    I’ve already gathered a lot of info on Open Office and the pay version that Sun offers, which I may have to get if I want to continue offering PowerPoint as a service to my graphic design clients.

    As for a shit-eating company producing one good piece of software? I’m going with the “even a broken clock” theory.

  4. I love that fact that this prick company buys out private software (that I’ve paid the licensing fee for) and then don’t make it forward or backward compatible, essentially leaving me with files I CAN’T EVER OPEN AGAIN!!!! Feeling your pain, babe, feeling it big time.

  5. Love the harangue. Complete agreement with your Word-y opining. Wish I could go back home (Mac) again, but I’m afraid I’m too deep in Bill’s clutches.

  6. Hello! As a long-time user and abuser (LOL) of Microsoft products I would say I feel a certain kinship with you regarding your frustrations with our product. There are times when even I have had to stomp away from my computer and find time away from the infernal contraption. Perhaps you should find another outlet for your anger, e.g. bicycling, basketball, tennis or even reading a good novel. My concern regarding any use of opensource products is the pernicious way they lull us into a false sense that we are getting our “money’s worth” when in fact if you consider the time you spend learning a completely new way of doing things you might be surprised to learn that the tad extra you pay for Microsoft Office Products is more than compensated when you work with our user-friendly and familiar interface. Perhaps you should drop by our friendly community and let us have a go at putting you back on the straight and narrow.

  7. You could do like a pyramid scheme.

    Everyone has to tell three people not to use Microsoft products and go three days without using one themselves. And then those three people do it. And then those nine. And so on. And so on.

  8. To Al MCSE, MCT, MVP:

    You are a marketing weasel. You are paid by microsoft to lie about open source and promote your own bloatware. If what you say is true, no one would be using linux.

    There is a ring in hell reserved for your kind.


  9. Whateva,
    You are now just getting around to ranting about what shitty products Microsoft creates? Did you step into a software time vortex and land in 1996? Come on. This is very very very old stuff here. I have an idea. Rant ahead of the curve. Write a column on how AJAX sucks. How all this ajax stuff is taking away the browser controls (back and forward buttons), and is doing nothing that flash couldn’t do since it’s inception. Then delete this comment.

    BTW, opensource software generally sucks as well. Other than apache, mysql, and php there isn’t a lot of usefull stuff out there (with the added exception of your blog software as well). The supposed “Office killer” Open Office doesn’t even have a calendar,task list, or email program. Useless.

  10. To everyone who agreed with me: right ON! Powah to the people!

    To our Man From Microsoft: more than anything, I would like to be able to use MS products and not have to learn four new fucking programs. Do I like Mail+Address Book+iCal? Um, not especially. HTML is a lot easier to handle and things are a little faster in general, but I fucking LOVED Entourage. I’ve been defending your turdy lame-ass company for years because of it. It was only when I was not allowed to LEGALLY use my copy of Entourage and my copy of Word at the same time that I…well, fuck it. If you’d actually read the fucking post instead of just the fucking swears and anti-Microsoft sentiment, you’d know that already. But you didn’t. What a surprise.

    And that reading the fucking post instead of just the parts you want goes for you, too, Mr. Reason. Jesus. Is everyone but me a lazy fucking moron? I guess so. I AM GOING TO OPEN SOURCE BECAUSE MICROSOFT HAS LEFT ME NO CHOICE!!! Ugh. RTFP.

  11. Ubuntu linux ran perfectly on my computer with no problems right out of the box. When I installed microsoft windows xp I had to search for drivers for my tablet screen, my network card, my printer, my volume buttons, etc. etc. MS Windows is awful. Please everyone go and download Ubuntu Linux and tell Microsoft to go fuck themselves.

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